Years ago, a psychologist, Arthur Aron, came up with an experiment using gradually more intimate questions vs. innocuous, shallow, chit-chat ones to determine if more self-disclosure between two people led to their feeling closer. In fact, they did, and in some cases asking and answering these 36 questions led to love, even marriage. I did not hear about these key 36 questions until a few days ago. Fortunately, in the meantime I am already happily married. Yet for those who are not, and also did not know about this fairly facilitating formula, here, thanks to "The 36 Questions That Lead to Love," in www.archive.ttbook.org; December 25, 2015, are the magic questions:
"Set I
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a 'perfect' day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
25. Make three true 'we' statements each. For instance, 'We are both in this room feeling ... '
26. Complete this sentence: 'I wish I had someone with whom I could share ...'
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen."
If you prefer, they may be read at the "New York Times" in an original article there on this topic, "The 36 Questions That Lead to Love," by Danial Jones, www.nytimes.com; January 9, 2015.
Guidance on how and with whom to ask these questions includes: First, go to a place where you and a stranger, preferably one you think you might like to know better, can have privacy, free from a lot of distraction. Each of your phones might also be turned off for the time being. Allow yourselves plenty of time for a good sharing experience. Then, sit down close to and facing one another and stare into each other's eyes for a minimum of four minutes. Supposedly after two minutes this may just seem like a gimmicky exercise, but if you keep at it for at least four, things start to happen. Next, one of you asks the other the first question and while the other person answers, the first really listens. Repeat except with the other person asking, and really listening, and the first person answering. Continue in this way till all 36 questions have been completed. If you would rather, you might take a break between the three sets of questions, doing a dozen at a time. Leading to closeness or even love certainly does not always work. Some people just do not bond through this process. Folks may not be as good listeners or sharers as others. On occasion, the chemistry between two individuals may merely be off. In certain cases, there may not be equal readiness for or commitment to greater intimacy and the kind of relationship that can evolve from it.
However, often it does at least lead to the two people feeling a lot closer at the end than when they started. Romance may not be the result or even desired. Possibly a new friendship blossoms.
Variations on this idea have been tried among seniors as well. Folks do not have to be of the opposite gender or even looking for love. It is not uncommon for the elderly to have few real companions or kindred spirits and yet may find that sharing in this type exercise leads to having in their lives someone with whom they may feel a new special relationship. It is said that simply adding one new friend can enhance our feelings of wellbeing by 10% or more. 10% here, 10% there, and pretty soon we may be actually enjoying life!
I am reminded too of the Story Corps suggested questions for their annual emphases on people sharing with one another significant memories and feelings they have from their lives.
Nor does one have to follow a formal structure such as in those special 36 or the Story Corps questions. In fact, it might be less awkward if we just go into a new acquaintance with the idea of pursuing things where they'll go, showing honest curiosity about the other person, focusing on their replies, and sharing of oneself about similar things. Before we know it, real ties can develop.
However, what if we just went into exercises like this on a lark, not intending anything deep or meaningful, and wound up having a long-term relationship or now even in wedlock? Just as there are questions that can act as a love potion, there are antidote questions too. Here are a few suggested by the New York Times: "The 13 Questions That Lead to Divorce," Craig Baldo in nytimes.com; November 7, 2017.
Oddly enough, when I first searched for the 36 questions, having heard about them on a radio program, a friendly algorithm offered me a suggestion on another topic it proposed I might like: "Information on Conscious Dying." Hmm.